why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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