Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
