a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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