her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
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Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
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Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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