Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
