I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Randomize
