I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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