I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
