I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
