so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
