Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
