i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
