this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
