I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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