I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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