So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
