I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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