Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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