There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sext me about skeletons
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
