Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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