Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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