i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
