I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
They have beer where we have blood.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
