If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
