um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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