Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
