Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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