Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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