I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
