T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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