someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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