Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
