He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
