Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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