there's paper in my vomit.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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