I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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