dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
