So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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