i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
