so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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