Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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