you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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