Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
