good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
