I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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