Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
