I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
