My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
