Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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