Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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