remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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