please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
