HIV tests are more positive than that guy
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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