my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
