I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
