help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
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Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
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