I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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