I wish I only lived at night.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
