I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
